Starting today...

This is my first post, i've been toying with the blog idea for some time but really haven't felt before that i had a point or a purpose.... Not entirely sure i do now but i've been feeling pretty reflective lately and doing some thinking about what i'm doing and where i'm going and who i am anyways. So, this seemed like a good time to take that outside the scribbles of the note book and structure (sort of) my thoughts and force myself to take the time to kick back and type every once in a while...

Much of this has been inspired by the fact that i've faced up to something i find pretty hard and am having speech therpy for a stammer I've been trying really hard to hide for as long as i can remember. I have a great speech therapist, she is very supportive (and asks really good questions!) and we've been working for 3 sessions so far on looking at where i'm at. I actually shocked myself by how deeply and hard i had been trying to bury stammering. I'm a classic internaliser and avoider - great days involve ""getting away with it" (changing words, thinking ahead, staying silent) and bad days involve standing in silence as the world looks on waiting for me to get my name / bus ticket request / food order / next sentance out of my mouth.



My challenge for this week was to tell one person that i am seeing a speech therapist and why (whilst it is obvious to everyone that i stammer i never tell people, i've never mentioned it to even my longest / closest friends... why???Who knows - its crazy i know!) ...

But, well i failed, sort of... i had a great talk with my inspirtional sister-in-law who i've never really talked to about it. She was great and was so proud of me, something that means a lot to me as she is a really special person... I've also started the blog and am writing this now... a cop out? Telling the world in secret is pretty scary in itself but not as scary as telling the people opposite me right now... baby steps though i guess.

These are some articles that i found interesting and useful...

http://www.stammering.org/martin.html which is about telling people that you stammer...

http://www.stammering.org/strengthwithin.html which about one womans experience of NLP - something i've looked before probably need to explore more....

My other challenge was to think about the component parts of how i see myself and my identity. I've been thinking a bit lately about who i am, sounds a tad pretensious huh?, i know - its not about that, it more about the things that define us and how i manage to hold all the bits of me in my head at once. Often i feel like i've forgotten some pretty important bits in the mix of girl-friend, semi step mom, daughter, sister, overacheiver, friend, commuter etc etc... it isn't even like i feel i have grasp (firm or otherwise) on any of those things. Sometime there is just a feeling that all the bits are gone and there is a just a gap and then the panic which ensues. This is worst when i feel most exposed (like when i'm standing in a room in silence as i try to speak)... I can't remember that i can cope with and do lots of things beause I've lost my grip on the parts of me that have worked hard, been recognised, loved, respected and admired. I'm not proposing there is an answer, just some questions i want to think about....

I kind of thought some self portraits might help the process along... sometime i find it hard to literally see myself as others do... here is me...